Gonff - The Great Caper
by Darkenmal
Summary: It is just before bedtime and Gonff, the Prince of Mousethieves, has a story to tell. It involves a theft unlike anybeast has ever seen, with a prize that is both priceless and beautiful. As straightforward as this may sound, Gonff ensures that his telling of The Great Caper is anything but. My entry for the Gonff Fanfiction contest at the Redwall Forums!


As Gonff stood in front of his enraptured audience deep in Redwall's Cellar, the mousethief spun a tale of the greatest sort: one where he had caused all sorts of trouble and had escaped, with nobeast being the wiser.

"It all began as it usually did, my young friends… with an idea. An idea that eventually became what is now known as the Great Caper."

Gonff paused for a moment, hiding a smile as the Dibbuns in front of him began to fidget impatiently.

"The Great Caper began when we were coming back from our latest trip, where I, having recently led Martin the Warrior on a great odyssey to Salamandastron, re-discovered a fantastic and unusual treasure…"

Pausing again to purposely infuriate his audience, Gonff pulled three colored balls from his pockets and started to juggle, ignoring the anxious looks and stares as best as he could.

Gonff began slowly, allowing himself time to warm up and increase his speed. Soon his juggling became more frenzied and intricate, and Gonff was about to add another ball before he was interrupted.

"Master Gonff," a small voiced inquired from the crowd, cutting through the silence as Gonff pretended to start in suddenly stopped juggling, balls falling and bouncing amongst the crowd.

Gonff froze, a look of mock confusion and surprise settling on his face, as he pretended to wait for another noise to indicate where it had come from.

After waiting a few moments, the thief relaxed visibly, letting out a huge and over-exaggerated sigh of relief. Shrugging nonchalantly as if nothing had happened, Gonff bent over to pick up the closest ball, now allowing his eyes to move and settle on the closest Dibbuns near him.

Jumping back like he was shocked, the Prince of Mousethieves placed a shaking paw on his brow, wiping away non-existent sweat.

"Dearie me, you young rips startled me. Do you Dibbuns need something to do? Some dishes to clean, maybe?"

The hesitation and confusion was palpable as Gonff fought with everything he had to not chuckle at the Dibbun's puzzled looks. In the front row, a young mole opened and closed his mouth like an angry fish, almost pushing the thief over the edge and into breathless laughter. Pulling himself together, he shot a question to the crowd.

"Seeing as none of you have moved, do you scallywags want something from me?"

"YE-ES," the Dibbuns cried back, the sheer noise and ferocity of their voices belying their small figures.

"Well spit it out, I don't have all day. What do you want from me?"

"The story!"

Gonff scratched his slightly greying beard while looking down at the Dibbuns in mock severity, making a few in the front row edge away from him unconsciously. "I have many stories to tell, and all are worth being heard. Do you want to hear the meeting between me and the Greatbat?"

"Nooo!"

"How about the time when I danced with a crab?"

The Dibbuns grew more distressed at his words, with some even standing and stomping their footpaws, unable to believe that their story was being taken away from them.

"Tell us about the Great Caper," a squirrelmaid shouted, her sharp squeak breaking over the kerfuffle and silencing it in an instant.

Gonff raised an eyebrow at her words, appearing dubious but inwardly feeling the same excitement that they did.

"Oh that," Gonff said dismissively, sounding tired. "Surely you do not want to hear about that story; how me and Martin found a forbidden treasure… you sure you won't be bored?"

"NO!"

Gonff sat down at once, smiling widely as he pulled out his flute with a flourish and a twinkle in his eye, prompting a heartfelt cheer from his audience.

With a fond look at his instrument, Gonff raised the flute to his lips and began to play, his confident baritone carrying throughout the cellar quite easily whenever he periodically stopped to tell his story.

_For this tale is about me, and how I saved a mousemaid,_  
_A pretty mouse who wouldn't give me the time of day._

_It began as it usually did, with one who had a special gift,_  
_A handsome mouse who could liberate things for his own benefit._

_Quickly it was made clear that this was no one-time fling,_  
_For the thief was talented, and he soon stole many things._

_That young and good looking mouse was me, I am sorry to say, _  
_I soon stopped stealing, to my own comrade's great dismay._

_I was banished forthwith, never to see them again,_  
_I was to wander forever, dreaming of my own homestead._

_That was, at least, until I found the famous treasure,_  
_And this is why I am telling you all, with great pleasure._

_She was beautiful, and unique, but one who had long-scorned my kind,_  
_This mousemaid that I speak of, she was a jewel that I could not leave behind._

_And so I went to and fro, from one journey to the next,_  
_Thinking of the mousemaid, who stood above all the rest._

_When I returned a hero, as I always do,_  
_She looked at me, and saw that it was true,_

_Oh Gonff, she said, looking at me with her eyes that were clear and blue,_  
_At your command, I replied, and she nodded slowly as if she now knew._

_The truth was that was the one for me, and I for her,_  
_No one would dare disagree with the facts, and I concurred._

_It all seemed so wonderful, almost too perfect in fact;_  
_If only I knew that she was as sly as a cat._

_I slowly began to realize my mistake, and what had begun,_  
_But that will have to wait, as it is bedtime and our story is done!_

Almost as if it were planned, the door to the cellar opened, the torchlight nearly as piercing as the Dibbun's wails. Gonff laughed as the young creatures discovered that they had been deceived, with some trying to run up the stairs and past Gonff, only to be stopped at the door. After briefly trying to see who it was, Gonff gently urged the remaining Dibbuns up the stairs, ruffling a few muttering heads as he slowly stewarded them towards the main floor.

One of the Dibbuns hung back, his face thoughtful as he waited for the rest of his fellow Dibbuns to leave.

Gonff watched the hedgehog curiously, wondering if he would ask the seemingly inevitable question.

"Who was the mousemaid that you spoke of?"

Before Gonff could reply, a familiar voice spoke, in a tone that finally provoked a fleeting grin from the thief.

"The 'tale' is about Columbine, although the rogue always likes to imply that he rescued her from somewhere. If you ask me, she seemed happier whenever Gonff was gone, and not the other way around."

Gonff turned slowly to face Martin the Warrior, whose own smile only widened at Gonff's injured look.

Still maintaining his look of wounded dignity, the self-proclaimed Prince of Mousethieves couldn't resist a slight jab at his friend while the young hedgehog watched in keen interest.

"We both know that she was unable to fight my natural and irresistible charm, unlike some other mouse I could mention who has none."

Martin laughed good-naturedly at the quip, carefully motioning the young hedgehog forward as Gonff followed behind them.

As they neared the top of the steps, Gonff stopped suddenly, causing Martin glance behind as he opened the door.

"Don't mind me," Gonff called back, walking back down the stairs. "I have something to take care of, it will only take a moment."

Nodding somewhat suspiciously, Martin closed the door, leaving the mousethief alone with his torch.

Gonff smirked, turning around and swiftly moving back down the stairs; unable to stop himself from rubbing his paws together with glee. With exaggerated care, he glided over to a freshly marked barrel of October Ale, pulling a clean tankard from where Jeor the Cellarhog thought to have hidden them.

Unstopping the cork, he watched his tankard fill up, laughing to himself as he re-stopped it and took a sip, revelling in his success at having outwitted the Cellarhog once again. Entertaining Dibbuns was fun of course, but it was made even more so for what he had earned himself afterwards: as much October Ale to drink as he wanted.

Jeor hadn't counted on him employing unwitting Dibbuns to have the first chance at the newly brewed barrel, but who wouldn't? He was truly as sly as a fox, as swift as a squirrel, and as smart as a-

The door opened once again and Gonff winced, moving back from the revealing light. He knew a blown job when he saw one, but he was unable to give up just yet. It had been hard work entertaining the Dibbuns; just thinking about work made him thirsty, with actual work making him even thirstier. He hoped that he would not have to…

"Gonff," Columbine called down the stairs, her voice instinctively causing Gonff to brace against the barrel and wait for the storm to be unleashed.

There was only one thing he could do in a situation like this. He had to lie until it sounded like the honest truth, and than lie some more for good measure. It never worked, but Gonff never stopped trying. The master thief started thinking over the most convincing and lies and compliments until Columbine surprised him.

"Get me and Martin a cup too, it's been too long since we all had fresh October Ale."

The Prince of Mousethieves smiled, happy that he wasn't in trouble, but somewhat frightened at how predictable he was to her. She truly understood him, and he felt comforted by that.

It was as it was meant to be.


End file.
